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Deviousness `anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Sta.sh
This is a very good and funny intro. It's a little corny, but that's funny.
The real problem with it is that it's drawn out way too long. I know I'm not one to talk really since I make long speech bubbles in my comic, but in this story she repeats herself so much that it gets to the point of rambling. I hope this has been the learning experience you wanted it to be (This IS a 3 year old deviation).
If you want a character to repeat themselves this much, or say this much, than you need to either split things like this up and reveal one part at a time, or you need to find a really good way to speed up the repetitive parts.
If you've learned to condense rambling stories by now then you have learned a lot, because you've got a good story here for your game.
Oh, and the text goes too fast! How long it displays needs to be based on how long it is!
Being a little corny is kinda voluntary because I kind of wanted to be cheesy on purpose (this is a superhero story after all!), but yeah, I wanted to shove too much into one cutscene, when really the complete backstory should have been cut in smaller parts.
Victory Girl is kind of cancelled for now. I am trying to put together a new story that would learn from those mistakes.
I might go back to Victory Girl someday (in fact I hope to!), but if I do, It'll be "back to the drawing board" in order to redesign the characters and the plot to improve them.
Anyway, glad to get an honest critique. I am glad you liked it despite the mistakes.
But at any points the text was to fast for me to read them all. :<
Make the text a little bit slower at longer sections and it is perfect (although quite long for an intro
Hopefully I'll be able to rework this origins story part someday.
Anyway, thanks for the comment.
I hope I can upload it soon.
Will be a different story, though
I'll have to see if it's actually doable without messing some things up.
one wrong spelling ^^ that made it ultimative cute and awesome. xD
Man how everyone allways hide's behinde the reason of protecting someone.
We all know superheroes just wants to kick asses... ^^